mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
