Are we in a gay sports bar?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
