The best revenge is premature balding
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
