I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
