Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
