He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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