I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
