New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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