he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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