Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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