allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
