Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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