So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
