Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Such a big mess for such a small penis
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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