I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
