I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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