1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
