Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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