I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
