lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
