theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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