he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
