My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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