this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
