If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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