Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
