Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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