went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
