Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
