He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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