Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
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they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
did i just pee glitter
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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