I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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