how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
