The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
