what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I could make wine with my vomit
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
