Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
