I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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