The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
