yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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