hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
