Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize