Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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