Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
