Do you still have your period?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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