I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
