tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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