Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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