Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me