My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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