Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
