He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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