dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
this will be a night to untag.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
