i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."