You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
