I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
