I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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