He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
