I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
