If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
