I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
